I can’t decide whether it’s a curse or blessing. Being able to mentally cut off, erase memories… not erase completely. But erase any emotion attached to the memory, so that when I reminisce I only think of the actual act, the event, the setting, that’s it. It’s come to the point now that my mind actively does it to every memory; however I think a part of that is true for all people. We want to hold on to certain feelings, certain memories, but it seems like the harder we hold on the easier they slip away. But mine is a different phenomenon… like I can cut off emotions from any person or memory, as long as I am distanced from it long enough. Ranjan was a blur, and not just right now… but from the second we broke up, I felt like I hadn’t even dated him. But it was 3 years. I didn’t even cry about him, about losing him. Not once have I thought about how much I lost. I’m starting to think that it’s a curse, because the things I want to hold on to, the people I want to stay attached to, I feel unable. Everything is temporary. I think it’s my way of never feeling any pain, but I have also sacrificed feeling happiness or love because of it. I’m so scared to attempt to regain the emotions and memories with Sameer, I know what I had with him was something different, special. Right now I haven’t even recognized what that means. All I know is that he’s always at the back of my mind… even when I look at Adnan, when I kiss him, when we’re hooking up. I think of Sameer’s name; not his face, a memory, an emotion, my mind has successfully cut all that off, but there’s still something there that a part of me is holding on to. Like when I was hooking up with Adnan and the Khuda Jaane came on- any normal person would feel really weird, feel a rush of emotions come thorugh… but I felt no emotion. The song as attached to his NAME, but no feeling, no memory, no pain, no love, nothing. Maybe while the dagger is cutting you it hurts and you feel like you’ll never survive, but it always ends, the pain always comes to an end. And maybe there’s something real, something right about having that scar. Maybe it allows you to recapture not just the pain, but the beauty that lived beneath the cut. Maybe there’s something beautiful about the scar.
