I’ve established that I’m a pretty intelligent human being. From the 5th grade, I was smart. Granted, a lot of that was because I worked hard, but I think my intelligence grew over time. I don’t think it’s the amount of intelligence we have, or even the kind, but rather the way we manipulate it to fit with our personality that’s clutch. In middle school, I used it to shell myself from other people; I secluded myself in my intelligence, kept my head down, did my work, got my grades. Come high school, I started wanting more; I blamed my intelligence for why I was socially introverted, and thought that I could somehow slowly transform that into something that was more attractive to people. By 11th grade it turned into a form of ditziness- allowing people to get the upper hand, leaving my jokes and comments open ended and setting people up. I was the setter, they were all spikers. But I knew their game, I knew I was setting. I was completely conscious. But it was attractive as a personality trait, it made me more desirable to hang out with, so I was winning. Or at least I felt like it.
At some point I think I started realizing that maybe my intelligence in the form of wit would be more appealing, and more fun for me to do. After setting so many spikes up, I realized that it prepared me to be a very, very strong hitter. Come sophomore year of college, that’s the skill I honed in on. I had already been doing this for a long time around my brother, he was the one person the “ditziness” I would never even attempt to pull off on. Him and Ranjan.
But at some point my wit spiraled out of control… it’s like once I realize I have the attention of many, I keep going in a whirlwind, unable to stop. I prey on the weak, people like 10th grade Natasha who set people up. Who knows if they consciously set, but I hit regardless. I know that it hurts people, I can read when it’s about to come but I can’t stop, it’s like adrenaline.
I want to tone it down, but I’m worried it’s one of my strongest attributes, and also what characterizes me. If I lose that… I don’t want to end up like the 5th grade version of me, secluded in my own world. I shouldn’t have to prey on people’s weaknesses to create my strength. But I don’t know what else I have.
