The title seems contradictory and ridiculous- how can I put one against the other when the first is a part of the latter? It’s because being in Morocco has made me feel like Ismailism is not only not a branch of Islam, but that the two seem to be at odds in almost every physical aspect; amount of daily prayers, how they actually pray, the way they view the Quran, the conservative nature, the rules of fasting and praying, gender relations, and I’m sure a few other areas that I have yet to experience.
I can say that they have personally come at odds with each other becasue during my time here I have simultaneously felt “more Muslim” and “less Ismaili.” I don’t know what the really means, as I fundamentally believe that religions is a state of being and a guide to life practices and decisions, but there is also a practicing side of religion that we can’t deny. And while all my beliefs are still mostly in accordance to what I have been taught through Ismailism (I haven’t become more conservative in my ideas), the practices and way of life that I am now a part of is feels very contradictory to what I have done for 20 years of my life. I love the community that I feel being in Muslim country but it feels completely different than what I felt in Khorog. The scariest part is that I don’t feel like an outsider, I’m passing off as a “true” Muslim to everyone here and to myself.
